With 1 in 5 children living in material deprivation, we ask Santa, ‘What do Spurs players want this Christmas?’
With a string of inept governments, a cost-of-living crisis, greed, massive inequality and corruption, we have spoken to the man at the very top and asked Santa, ‘What do Spurs players want this Christmas?’
According to Action for Children, one in three children fear that a friend will go without presents this Christmas – One in three children fear no merry Christmas for friend or classmate this year | Action For Children – whilst many materially obsessed footballers live in an adult Disneyland of hog roasts, casinos, fast cars, whores and cocaine.
“Life is a struggle for billions of people,” said Santa, “but spoiled rich kids who are on the naughty list still, quite unaccountably, get all the best toys.”
This candid but contradictory account by Santa opened up the question of ‘what do Spurs players want this Christmas?’ They have £multi-million contracts and play in a stadium worth £1 billion, but what more could they want?
Santa reveals what Spurs players want this Christmas
“Well,” continued Santa, “it’s an interesting question. You would think that with so much money, these people would have transcended and are yearning for stronger desires such as world peace, cures for diseases, equality, and an end to suffering, but, surprisingly, they still want more material possessions.”
Opening up a huge, gold-leafed book of names, Santa began to lick his fingers and flick through the pages and pinpoint particular players with ease.
“This one is interesting,” said an enlightened Santa, pointing at the name, Christian Romero. “It says here that Christian wants to kick people this Christmas.” Looking at me over the top of his tiny spectacles with a glint in his eyes, Father Christmas continued. “Perhaps I’ll grant him that wish against Nottingham Forest this Sunday.”
Moving through the names, Santa revealed more of what Spurs players want this Christmas.
“It says here that Pedro Porro wants Gerard Piqué’s ex-wife – very interesting – just for one night. It says that James Maddison wants a bike and to play football more often. I’ll have to see what I can do with that one.”
Richarlison wants a Heckler & Koch rifle
We asked him about former Nottingham Forest players Jed Spence and Brennan Johnson.
“Jed wants a hula-hoop, a Barry White CD, and an orange, and Brennan wants to move back to Nottingham and play for Nottingham Forest again.”
Santa began to stroke his long, white beard, and his countenance became serious when observing the request of Brazilian flop, Richarlison. “It says here that Young Richarlison de Andrade wants a pistol for Christmas. However, if I know better, I don’t think he means a pea shooter. I think he means an MP5, a variant of a German-made Heckler and Koch rifle. It’s a serious piece of kit, if my mind serves me correctly. It’s a compact version of a longer rifle with semi-automatic and suppressed options. I have some Elves in Panama who may be able to help me with that one.”
To conclude, we asked Santa to take a peek at Thomas Frank’s letter, the manager of Tottenham Hotspur. He told us this: “Thomas has been a very good boy this year, and he has asked me to help Tottenham Hotspur win the European Cup for the first time in their history. Thomas has informed me that he would also like a life-size replica of the Orient Express for his back garden. Wow! I knew Thomas was a train enthusiast like myself.”
With Christmas only two weeks away, Forest fans would like to be forming a victory train going into the New Year, starting with a win against Tottenham Hotspur this Sunday. What’s on your Christmas list? – Contact Us | Tree Seasons | Nottingham Forest
