Manchester City’s Erling Haaland is collecting random people’s ashes to escape the boredom of living in Manchester.
With no friends or family from his native Norway, Erling Haaland is collecting random people’s ashes off the internet to pass the time whilst living in conditions similar to Norway’s Pyramiden, in Svalbard – often described as the most depressing place in the world.
It emerged that Haaland is collecting random people’s ashes in a recent interview with BBC Radio Nottingham’s Colin Fray – https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/crmxgmgm0ppo – ahead of the Nottingham Forest game at the City Ground on Saturday, 27th December.
‘Dust For You’ acts as an ashes broker for rich idiots.
Despite his unfathomable wealth, it’s a life of remoteness for Erling Braut Haaland, 38 – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erling_Haaland – who cuts a lonely figure on the streets of Manchester, as he exists in a scene similar to an eighties Morrissey video. Haaland imagines himself using his wealth for the good of humanity and transforming an abandoned coal town into a thriving metropolis.
He told Fray, “I was at home drinking gin with Kyle Walker last winter,” the Norwegian forward told Fray. “Twas a day of intense darkness. The sun had vanished from my heart as I realised what a twat Kyle Walker really is. I decided to search the dark web to cheer me up when I came across an intriguing website called ‘Dust For You’. It caters for ridiculously rich people like me who earn circa £500,000.00 a week and have nothing better to spend their money on.”
“Dust For You acts as an ashes broker between rich idiots and those who can’t face another day of seeing somebody’s ashes on their mantlepiece,” continued Halaand. “I now have a collection of over 160 urns, containing the ashes of people I never even knew.”
Erling Haaland is collecting random people’s ashes to fill a void.
Considered to be the best Norwegian player who ever existed – not that difficult when you think about it; it’s not like he’s Brazilian – Haaland is collecting random people’s ashes in the hope that, one day, he will have enough money to take their DNA and bring them back to life.
Sadly, Haaland is collection the ashes of dead people to fill a void. “I might be able to reanimate a girlfriend or find a friend who isn’t motivated by money and whores, and appreciates the beauty of football, like Pele did before he got rich.”
Nottingham Forest play Manchester City off the back of a boring but depressing 1-0 defeat away to a crap Fulham side, devoid of creativity and flair – a bit like Elliot Anderson at the moment. Haaland is likley to score four goals if NottinghamForest play like their away form, and Anderson keeps giving the ball away.
