Antony was so crap during his 62 games for Manchester United that he had to produce his passport to prove he was actually born in Brazil.
Known simply as Antony, Antony Matheus dos Santos, 25 – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antony_(footballer,_born_2000) – is set to face Nottingham Forest as Real Betis take on the Tricky Trees in Seville this evening.
Antony appears to have settled in Seville, slowly redeeming his reputation as a Real Betis – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_Betis – player, but, for nearly three years, the Brazilian winger had to endure abuse from his own fans, every other club’s fans, and his parents.
Antony was so crap, his parents wanted a divorce.
Antony was so crap between 2022-2025, Manchester United requested that he produce his passport to prove his nationality, as nobody believed he grew up in Osasco, a municipality in São Paulo, Brazil – a place renowned for producing human beings who can kick a football really well.
Likewise, Nottingham Forest’s centre-half, Murillo Santiago Costa dos Santos – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murillo_(footballer) – was also born in São Paulo, two years later than fake Brazilian, Antony, and he’s the dog’s b*ll*cks.
Simply known as Murillo, the Forest defender can do anything with a football, and he doesn’t fall over, roll around on the floor for two minutes, and start crying when an opponent brushes past him.
“Unlike Antony, said Antony’s mother, “Murillo is brilliant and not a cheat.”
“Even the kitchen staff doubted that he was Brazilian,” said Manchester United’s head chef, Seth Gorman. “Betty was serving Antony breakfast one morning when she asked him where he was born. He told her that he was Brazilian, and Betty said, ‘F#% off! I’ve seen you play. There is no way you’re Brazilian. You were utter dog$#%t in your last game.’”
Manchester United tried to contact Antony’s parents to confirm his nationality, but they refused to speak to the club’s representatives about their son, on the grounds that they were seeking to divorce him, because ‘Antony was so crap’.
The club had no other option but to arrange a meeting with the winger and ask him to produce legal documentation to prove his place of birth.
When Antony asked why he was required to provide the aforementioned documents to prove his place of birth, the club told him in an email, ‘Dear Antony. Never in the history of mankind has a professional footballer, born in Brazil, ever been as crap as you are.”
Antony was quickly put out on loan like a diseased animal.
Antony was so crap that even when he produced a valid passport, the club’s representatives couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Their jaws dropped, and they assumed that the documents must have been fake.
Antony was quickly put out on loan, like unwanted cattle with hereditary diseases, and Manchester United’s legal team has since been tasked with determining whether Antony has ties to Accrington or Western Samoa, where footballers aren’t actually that great.
Antony will try his best to prove that he was born on Brazilian soil, but, unless he can turn it on against Nottingham Forest, we shall all be left with significant doubt over the inept winger’s nationality.
Tree Season’s prediction: Fake Brazilian 0 – Nottingham Forest 1.
