Former Nottingham Forest and Newcastle United midfielder, Jonjo Shelvey, has announced that he prefers British regional porn to more conventional American porn.
Jonjo, 33 next week, told People’s Friend magazine that regional pornography is the go-to genre for the vast majority of Premier League professionals.
Even the referees prefer British regional porn.
“It was Kieran Trippier who turned me on to it when I was at Newcastle United, sometime in 2020,” said Jonjo. “He told me how typical California pornography was not doing it for him anymore and the top referees are all watching regional porn now. He said that he preferred a couple of mature women emerging from an Aldi carpark in Romford and getting it on with two out-of-shape strangers who happen to share a dimly lit, poorly maintained flat in Essex.”
“I think there is a problem with perfectly produced erotica from America not being all that perfect anymore,” continued the Burnley player who was infamously sent home by Steve Cooper and subsequently left without a squad number for the 2023-24 season. “That Californication stuff is so outdated now. It lacks the grim reality of sluts from Reading being passed around at an office party.”
“The productions that emerged from the US in the late 90s always had pristine locations with blonde couples who looked as if they could’ve been contestants in Gladiators. British regional porn, on the other hand, contains participants who look as if they have just wandered out of a Gala Bingo in Droitwich, or finishing a night out at a working men’s club in Barnsley.
Quality British regional porn is champion.
The popularity of British regional porn amongst footballers has emerged in the last decade. Jonjo explained how, due to the lack of false glamour, there are no unlikely scenarios involving housewives in Florida mansions, with modelling contracts, who just happen to find themselves with a group of jazz musicians who moonlight as plumbers and gardeners.
“British regional porn is less pretentious and filmed on smaller budgets with unattractive people,” concluded Jonjo.
“One night, Kieran Trippier and I went to Jesses Lingard’s crib to watch well-directed porn, filmed somewhere during a North London winter. It was called ‘Only Couples Unmasked’. The cockney dialect was excellent with charming accents and a small group of open-minded individuals. What made it so regionally original was the fact that they used adjectives such as ‘quality’, ‘marvellous’ and ‘champion’ to describe the intimate crescendo.”
The Tree Seasons’ marvellous prediction
Jonjo has hinted that, since moving to Lancashire, he expects to be spending quality time researching British regional porn that involves overweight bus drivers and dirty travel agents from Burnley.
Coincidently, it’s Forest versus Newcastle again this weekend, and Jonjo Shelvey gave us his prediction for the game. He told us that it’s a simple prediction. “I think Newcastle will want to pick themselves up from that humiliating defeat against Man City,” he said. “They will stop the succession of home defeats with a resounding 3-0 win against Steve Cooper’s former club, and Alexander Isak will score all three.”
We aren’t so sure that Forest will be easy pickings after the recent defeat. Tree Seasons predicts that it’ll be all even this Sunday: Newcastle United 1 – Nottingham Forest 1. COYR!
