Initially identified as an alarmingly close asteroid, the MPC (Minor Planet Centre) has officially identified a four-mile-wide object orbiting the Earth as Harry Arter’s wallet.
Harry Arter, 35, who currently plays in the UAE second division for a team that sounds remarkably like an engineering company from Ilkeston – Precision F.C. – accumulated so much wealth during his time at Nottingham Forest that he had to release some of his obscene wealth into the upper atmosphere.
Harry Arter’s wallet grew so large whilst he did absolutely nothing for four years at Nottingham Forest. Harry decided that the wedge was so humungous that it was creating its own ecosystem and there was only one place left for it: space.
Nottingham Forest was just an ATM to me.
On a cold November night in 2022, Harry teamed up with Elon Musk’s SpaceX to launch the wallet on the back of an abandoned Tesla Roadster.
“Like most idiots with lots of money and too much time on their hands, I got up to all kinds of mischief and had some stupid ideas,” said Arter, from the comfort of his Arabian palace.
“Nottingham Forest was just an ATM to me,” continued Arter. “When my agent informed me that promotion into the Premier League had triggered a clause in my contract, which meant that I could be handsomely paid whilst doing absolutely f@!%-all, I couldn’t have been happier.”
“I spent my days playing FIFA, chilling in my luxury villa, and shooting stuff into space. What better way to spend one’s time and money.”
“When you’ve got money, you never get bored. I would rub shoulders with the stars and spend my nights partying, snorting white powder, buying s#!/ I didn’t need, and sharing hookers with Neymar’s dad and David Coote.”
Not only is Harry now playing in the footballer’s graveyard of leagues, he’s playing in the second tier of that s#!/show, which is the equivalent of Nottinghamshire’s Young Elizabethan League for under-10s.
Even Neymar’s dad recently said that, if it wasn’t for the prostitutes, Ferraris, and bottomless pit of cash, he would rather his son played for a Sunday morning league in Derby.
Harry Arter’s wallet first recognised by amateur astronomer.
In typical, over-privileged fashion, Harry said, “Sure, I could’ve done something useful with my time and money – charity, learning something new, helping the community – but why should I? It’s my money; I’ve earned it.”
Harry Arter could’ve been another Jessie Lingard without the charisma but he decided to jettison his fat wallet into space and live like a deranged hedge funder.
Harry Arter’s wallet was first recognised by an amateur astronomer, earlier this month. It appeared to be passing very close to Earth, less than 150,000 miles away, which is closer than the moon.
Fortunately, the MPC reacted quickly to quash rumours that a huge asteroid was about to collide with the Earth.
The agency said, “We are pleased to announce that the object in question is Harry Arter’s wallet. It is cherry-red in colour, full of £50.00 notes, and entered an elliptical heliocentric orbit that crosses the orbit of Mars.”
Humanity will not be started from scratch before the Brighton game.
It was Dr. Malcolm Lane from the Harvard-Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics who originally confirmed suspicions that Harry Arter’s wallet was in a false orbit above the Earth.
The amateur astronomer behind the mysterious object’s initial discovery, Leonard Lloyd, 38, from his Mum’s basement in Beeston, said, “I was ecstatic when I first thought that a giant asteroid might crash to Earth and start humanity from scratch. But when I heard it was just some overpaid t#@’s wallet, I felt like falling off the wagon again. Harry Arter’s wallet confirms to me that there is no God and there is no justice in this world.”
Coincidently, a smaller version of Harry Arter’s wallet joins the presence of another former Forest player at Precision F.C., Joel Lynch. Joel played for Forest in the Calderwood years when Forest were getting thrashed by Doncaster Rovers.
Jole is also a former Brighton and Hove Albion player who will play Nottingham Forest on Saturday at 12.30 am UK time.
Both Harry Arter and Joel Lynch have said that they will be watching the game with great anticipation in the sun-drenched opulence of Dubai.
Harry Arter’s wallet to help fund future missions to Mars.
When asked about the future of Harry Arter’s wallet, Harry concluded, “I don’t regret any of it. I hope the money in the wallet helps to eventually find a resting place and funds a space community on other planets. I would like to thank my agent and the Forest fans who contributed, significantly, to ‘Harry Arter’s wallet project’.
Harry Arter’s wallet will be visible in the easterly night sky from August 4th, 2025, at approximately 3 a.m.
It’s easily recognisable because it’s the one with ‘Rich Mutha F#!%er’ written on it.
