John Textor is no good with sell-by dates and ‘best before end’ indicators, it has come to light.
Speaking to Horse and Hound magazine this week, the American businessman and founder of Eagle Football Holdings – Eagle Football Holdings | A Family of Global Football Organizations – spoke candidly about his inability to deal with perishable product indicators and recommended dates of expiry.
Why John Textor is no good with dates.
“I’m just no good with calendars and diaries,” said Textor, 59, “that’s what women are for. If God wanted us to know the time and date of something, he’d have put a digital watch on the f’ck!#g moon.”
“Listen. I don’t get the point of best-before dates. If it’s not safe to eat and in its best condition when I consume it, I want my money back. I’m a busy man. I haven’t got time to consider expiration dates.”
“I mean, who wants to be constantly reminded about stuff?”
“I was probably too busy thinking about that damn yoghurt.”
“My wife keeps telling me that I’ve got to eat a strawberry yoghurt before next Thursday. What if I don’t want to eat a yoghurt before next Thursday? And if it decides to perish within that time, I suppose that’s my fault, is it?”
When asked about multi-club ownership and crucial UEFA deadline dates, Textor responded, “That’s all just a load of old bo##oc/s. What difference does it make if I failed to transfer my interests into a blind trust, one or two days too late? I was probably too busy thinking about that damn yoghurt and a dozen eggs I bought back in March.”
John Textor is no stranger to buying football clubs.
John Textor is no good with dates, but he is no fool when it comes to buyouts, and he is already embarking on his next football project: the s#it-show that is Sheffield Wednesday – We asked AI to see where Sheffield Wednesday would be in 5 years under John Textor’s ownership.
“I think it’s awful what’s happening with that poor football club. People should be ashamed of themselves. I blame Nottingham Forest and Alexa for sticking their noses in when they aren’t wanted.”
“People should be paid properly, and I would like to help out if I can,” said Textor.
“I love Owls. I always have – with their big brown eyes, independent ears, and their revolving heads. They are like the snow leopards of the sky.”
“I hit an owl in my Porsche once as I accelerated to 120 (mph) through a local village, one Sunday evening, after a few drinks with the lads from Crystal Palace.”
“It collided with the windscreen, and the look on its face was hilarious. It looked so surprised to see me. I bet it just wanted to say ‘hello’. I got out of the car to finish it with my wheel wrench, but there was nothing left of it. Poor thing was barely recognisable. Its feathery bulk would have been riddled with maggots by the following Tuesday.”
John Textor needs to get his ass into gear.
When it was time to go, John asked if we could just stay for a few more drinks and discuss his golf handicap whilst rating his twerking abilities.
Clearly, John Textor is no good with dates, but he sure knows how to get his ass into gear when the time is right.
John Textor’s twerking: 7/10.
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