A nil-nil draw connoisseur who was exiled from the United States for enjoying sports with minimal chance of a goal was enthused by last night’s 0-0 draw between Austrian side Sturm Graz and Nottingham Forest.
Nil-nil draw connoisseur Stephen Moss, 58, a retired accountant from Montana, managed to get a ticket for the highly anticipated goalless and was delighted with the outcome.
Renowned for being tirelessly dull, Stephen Moss – now living in Tamworth, Staffordshire – was expelled from the USA in 1994 for promoting the excitement of sports that are likely to end in a nil-nil draw.
Sturm Graz is the Austrian equivalent of Charlton Athletic.
“The Sturm Graz versus Nottingham Forest wasn’t the least exciting of all 0-0 draws, but it was pretty damn f#%ing close,” said Stephen, whose other activities include watching international Chess, listening to the M-People and Michael Bolton, watching his radio with the sound turned down, and decorating his apartment throughout the summer.
“The game had plenty of action and even the thrill of a missed penalty. The way that the player with the dangerous dog just passed it to the blind goalkeeper to potentially win the game was sublime. I’ll never forget it.”
Stephen told us that he has been a nil-nil draw connoisseur since May 1981, when his father took him to see his very first nil-nil draw at Wrexham’s Racecourse Ground.
“It was late spring,” recalled Stephen, with gleeful enthusiasm in his eyes.” Wales were playing the USSR in a Group 3 World Cup qualifier. It was an amazing occasion; absolutely no goals, and an anticipated reverse fixture in Tbilisi for a Welsh side that looked less likely to score than Nottingham Forest.”
Nil-nil draw connoisseur looking forward to more Forest matches.
“By no means was it the best 0-0 draw I have ever seen. The two games that spring to mind are the Scottish League One, mid-table, end-of-the-season clash between Montrose and Arbroath, and the West Highlands Amateur Football match between Bernisdale and Porttree United.”
“Both games were hotly anticipated to bore the pants off a monk, and they didn’t fail to disappoint. In the Arbroath game in 2006, Michael Gardyne was sent off for Montrose in the 50th minute for a second yellow-card offence. There was absolutely nothing to play for, for either side, and they spent the last twenty minutes of the game just discussing the weather and knocking back cans of Tennents Super, as the goalkeepers filed their nails on the pitch and read from the Bible.”
“The Bernsidale versus Porttree United game in 2024 was even more captivating. The visitors had one tame shot on goal all game, making the save a formality for the one-armed goalkeeper.”
When we asked the nil-nil draw connoisseur if he had any more games lined up, he told us that he is looking forward to the next Nottingham Forest match.
“Nottingham Forest don’t look like they can score in a brothel at the moment, and Leeds United will just sit back like Sturm Graz did last night, and be happy to take home a point. It has the hallmark of something really flat and uninteresting for the neutral,” concluded Stephen, “I can’t wait to see the disappointment on the faces of all the supporters who have spent their hard-earned money to see a game with all the charisma of Malaria.”
Tree Seasons are with the retired accountant on this one. Our prediction: Nottingham Forest 0 – Dirty Leeds 0 – COYR!
