According to the Israeli football press, Uri Gellar is to sign for Nottingham Forest before the transfer window closes at the end of the month.
In a move which is said to be worth about four million bent spoons, Uri Gellar is to sign for Nottingham Forest in a desperate attempt to perform the miracle of staying within the Champions League places this season.
Uri Gellar is a renowned illusionist, magician, and self-proclaimed psychic who famously uttered the words, “Win England, win” to help The Three Lions get to the semi-finals of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
He urged the country to put all of their time and energy into concentrating on the illusion of England winning a major football tournament this century.
Uri Gellar to sign for Nottingham Forest in an attempt to stop another ‘Bournemouth’ happening.
When asked what he can bring to Nottingham Forest, Uri Gellar said, “I can help Murillo score from the halfway line and use my mind powers to make the opposition’s defence look ridiculous by opening them up like a flower. This will permit Forest players to simply stroll through the middle of the field, round the flailing keeper, and just tap it in.”
Gellar used a demonstration of his potential powers during the game against Bournemouth on Saturday, at the Vitality Stadium.
He said, “I got the team wrong. I was told that Nottingham Forest played in red. How did I know they were in a blue-away kit? The only team wearing any red was Bournemouth, and the game was nearly over by the time I had finished. At least it showed what I am capable of doing.”
Gellar, 78, went on to say, “I just brushed Forest’s defence aside with my mind and allowed the opposition to walk straight through and score five times – easy.”
“I could’ve done it more times but I didn’t want to humiliate the opposition too much. They had already suffered enough. I even managed to get Ouattara to leap like a Salmon. In my mind I was saying, ‘Leap like a Salmon, Ouattara, leap’, and he did. This is what I do.”
Despite 130 years of scientific research on such matters as telekinesis and psychic powers, the relevant committees have concluded that it’s all a crock of s#!* and Gellar is nothing more than a fraud and an overpaid confidence trickster.
AC Milan also interested in signing Uri Gellar.
When asked why he hasn’t actually managed to get England to win a major trophy since 1966, he said, “Look, I’m a magician with psychic abilities, not a f#*%ing miracle worker.”
It is believed that Uri Gellar would love to sign for Nottingham Forest but the deal must be done sooner rather than later as it is rumoured that AC Milan are also interested in signing the Israeli magician. They may want to procure Gellar’s services in an attempt to stop serial father, Kyle Walker, from impregnating half of Italy.
