The worst-case scenario for Forest, at this given time, was to draw the FA Cup 3rd round tie with Blackpool.
The beautiful surroundings of St George’s Park awaited; the transport was booked; the rooms were being cleaned; the chocolates were on the pillows, and Nuno Espírito Santo scheduled a time to train, bond, and relax over the winter period in preparation for the important forthcoming league fixtures.
Instead, what happened was rescheduling due to missed opportunities in front of goal and sloppy mistakes at the back. Forest’s head coach has now got to put a team together for a replay in Blackpool – one of the most depressing seaside resorts in the world at this time of year.
Blackpool Away: A Touch of Lower League Reality
Rather than flying into Blackpool airport like Will Smith doing an unaccountable, one-off summer gig, Nuno should get the boys to spend a couple of nights in some shoddy B&B overlooking the damp sand.
Just to add a touch of lower-league reality into the West Coast experience, the team can dine on greasy fry-ups for breakfast with black pudding, fried bread dripping in lard, fatty bacon, and crispy free-range eggs.
As they sit down to chow on cholesterol-ridden slops, they can hold a conversation with the emotionally unstable owner whilst he carries out repairs on the dodgy boiler and the leaking roof.
The Team will be Gagging to Empty their Bowels
The team will be gagging to empty their bowels and get out on the pitch after an hour of general chitchat about the economy, dolphins trained to hunt Nazis and import duty on industrial-strength duct tape.
The Forest faithful fans will no doubt travel to Blackpool with great anticipation and expect the team to put on a show and win. In doing so, the players risk injury, mid-season fatigue, and consequently increase the chance of potential absentees for the forthcoming Premier League contest away at Brentford, on 20th January.
Quite Happy for Forest to Lose
Given a choice, I’m quite happy for Forest to lose away to The Seasiders, come away without any injuries or executive confidence issues and beat The Bees in their portable stadium. Having said that, it’s on terrestrial television and I’d like to be able to sit in the comfort of my front room and witness 90 minutes of enjoyable football, culminating in an easy victory for The Reds.
Nuno needed time to assess the squad following his recent appointment. The signs have been encouraging, the team has been playing with new attacking vigour and, at last, possession, but he clearly wants to thin out the numbers of the squad.
Several key players going to the Ivory Coast for the AFCON competition and certain players like MGW would welcome the rest and the luxury of St George’s.
Scrap Crap Replays
There have been rumblings of scrapping these replays due to the additional minutes cutting into an already busy schedule for those playing at the highest level.
Unfortunately, for people like myself who recall 2nd replays, I fail to understand why professional footballers would complain about doing more of what they love. Albeit slight, the lack of F.A. Cups replays would take something away from the traditional prestige of the competition.
Of course, the demand and the money are relevant and there is added pressure on millionaire players these days. These athletes need to be finely tuned throughout the season and, consequently, this continual bodily punishment into a long, arduous season could quite easily result in a ruptured spleen, a shaving accident, or severe hydration after burning the midnight oil playing FIFA.
Players can’t even shower without pulling a hamstring
After all, the stats show that this season there have been more injuries within the premiership than ever before. These guys can’t have a shower without pulling a hamstring.
It’s odd because footballers no longer drink heavily the night before a cup final, smoke cigarettes in the changing rooms, or chow down on kebab meat and Pot Noodle after training.
These guys are having meals prepared by professional chefs with nutritional knowledge – https://citreuscatering.co.uk/elite-sports-nutrition/ – weighing carbs, analysing protein intake, considering regular hydration, and monitoring performance after each meal plan.
Desired Pornography Profiles
Players wear state-of-the-art performance vests that monitor heart rate, distance covered, optimal speed, recovery, number of touches in the opposition’s half, and their desired pornography profiles.
The last thing a highly tuned Murillo needs is a January trip to Bloomfield Road beneath a grey, icy sky that resembles metal food encasement. Even the guys born in countries with abject poverty will want to fund a rock concert when they stumble across Blackpool’s depraved areas in winter.
The players from Argentina may even argue that the back streets of Buenos Aires aren’t as detrimental to one’s mental health as a gas bill from Blackpool. I did a coast-to-coast trip one week in ‘the summer’ that incorporated Great Yarmouth, Skegness and Blackpool, just to determine which coast was worse… and Blackpool won.
Blackpool is just being lapped by a toxic, brown soup.
Skegness has a disgusting grey froth at its murky shore but Blackpool is just being lapped by a toxic, brown soup. If a Marvel nemesis consumed enough quantities of Blackpool’s coast, it could result in a mutated transformation that could go a few rounds with Spiderman. As Frankie Boyle once said, British seaside resorts are just holding pens for the Jeremy Kyle show.
You can perhaps detect the bitterness in my tone, the frustration that a club, allegedly on the brink of a points deduction due to the league’s in-depth and deeply complicated profit and sustainability rules, has to play a Ligue 1 side (see how the French version of League 1 adds a touch of class to that division and elevates its status?) at a time when the team should be resetting and preparing for the second half of the season in the Premiership. Too right!
I’m very disappointed that the team has to be motivated for the game, risk injury and my mental health as I sit and watch 90 minutes of torment on a cold, winter’s evening with an important away game, just three days away in Brentford!
I mean no disrespect to Blackpool or our beloved F.A. Cup but this game is so inconvenient on many levels: psychologically, physically, and realistically. I would’ve been more content with defeat.
I know that the F.A. Cup still holds a lot of sentimentality for some people but I’m not feeling it anymore. Some of the international players claim to have a profound connection to the competition, recalling events of sitting barefoot in the front of a rented television, watching Chelsea win the FA Cup amidst gunshots and military invasion, but I don’t buy that.
Some kid from the DRC is not going to hold any affection for a trophy which dates back to the 19th century and involved miners wearing long shorts and pipe-smoking enthusiasts with a penchant for maritime vessels.
The F.A. Cup isn’t the same anymore
My great-grandmother didn’t even like football but she gathered with friends and family at a house with a television to watch Preston North End beat Huddersfield, 1-0, in the 1938 final. Those days have gone. I’m not even sure if some of the players from abroad find the attraction of it. Are people still drawn to the traditional vibe of the F.A. Cup?
I mean, you even play a semi-final at Wembley now and the build-up isn’t televised from the player’s hotel at 10 am anymore, as the hungover players were interviewed from their hotel balconies, intoxicated and green from a night of heavy drinking at the hotel bar, gambling on the game with catering staff, and hustling prostitutes in the lobby.
The F.A. Cup is not the same anymore and I’m not sure if Forest should be playing their strongest side at Blackpool. What do you think?
All photos provided by @ritchiesumpter on instagram
